Tuesday, November 25, 2008

A passionate prison

You came my way that day,
and In your crazy confidence did confide,
how mad and sad your life had been without me by your side.

You demanded that destiny did display,
our love was for forever, and forever it would stay.
Shaking head and crying eyes my words did try to sway,
but your steadfast arrogance, wouldn't hear a
word that I'd say.

I was in a prison, the walls were in my mind.
Your arms were the jailers, and the keys
I couldn't find.

Your lunacy had infected me,
your madness my new sanity. Your mind as warped
as mind could be, your love pale and ghastly gone,
my spirit now my only song.

So I stayed inside this coffin, drowned in defeat.
Your passion is only pleasing, when It's poisoned
by deceit. I let my mind wander away from here,
so It can at last be free. but when I look into the mirror,
Your face is all I see, Your voice
all I hear.

Monday, October 27, 2008


You can not "own" land. The same god that made land created us, and just as we can not own another person we can not own earth. we don't own the wind, it is free as a bird. we don't own the sky. It is not ours to decide. We do not actually own anything physical in this world, when we die it is left in the earth, it leaves our possession. It is not ours. so what is? What is truly ours? An idea. A belief. Love. we can own these things, they can be ours. what is of our mind is no one else's. We can be these things, we can love these things. all thoughts in our head die with our earthly body, yet they pass on as we do. They pass on with us, if we do indeed pass on. They are not of this world.
I heard a quote once, "the closest thing to godliness is to create" I cant remember who said it, but lord, I hold with it. What our lives mean has nothing to do with what land we supposedly own, how much money we have. It is what we believe. It is who we are, what we do. we create.

Sunday, September 7, 2008


you walk down the path in your mind, Dirt etched in the bottom of your feet, pressing smooth footstep into the cold ground beneath you. The moon is an Orb above you, shining down her beautiful smile, engulfing, bathing you in her light. The earth is a faerie land, crafted form thousands of years of woods. Trees twisting into one another, gnarled branches slowly creeping up to someday cover this already nearly dead path. the steep incline of the mountain side protects it from wind, years of moss and likens creeping up the wall. You can feel it in this place. Thousand of eyes watching you. The trees, The earth, The wind, The moon, the ants slowly walking the path, the spiders, spinning and spitting strands of web, Watching. they are all a part of each other and nothing goes unnoticed in this place. yet it is not an uncomfortable kind of watching, It's strangely calming that so many things are paying this much attention to you. You are at home here. You are welcome. Titania flits somewhere unseen, Painting leaves orange as she sees the north wind leaving his home, preparing to meet us. The fog settles. The stars twinkle. And you are forced to think of that little spider, so furiously spinning her web, how she spends so much time building it. She puts her own sweat into it, her heart into it. Only for it to be blown away by that strong gust of wind. Or kicked over by the feet of a boisterous crowd. But still, she spins for all to see, just so we can look upon nature's greatest miracle residing in our own back yard. Poor spider. and then, when the silver snow flakes descend to the earth, what is to become of her? Beautiful her, spending her whole life on such a whisper of achievement. You look up and put your head down, enjoying the chill of the earth. Close your eyes, feel your senses slowly slowly shifting into this dreamworld.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

princess of Ice

something old I wrote in I believe July that has been floating around the world of my Myspace for a while.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess who was so afraid of life that she locked herself in a tower made of Ice, so no one could disturb her.
One day a prince came riding by in his horse and seeing her fell instantly in love. He could not of course get into the tower, or she down. so he stayed at the bottom, looking up at her for days. The prince loved her so much that finally his great love melted the tower and she fell lightly into his arms. Joy filled both their hearts and they set a wedding date.
But since the princess had spent so much time in the tower, she'd forgotten what it was to feel things and knew hardly anything of life. She had no clue what this powerful emotion was inside of her and fearing illness she put her love in a bottle and threw it into the deepest trench of the ocean. Now however she was emptier then ever and passed each day lifeless and cold. The prince Hated seeing her in this state, so he swam to the very bottom of the ocean and retrieved her bottled love. Delighted, They re-set the wedding date and continued their blissful happiness.
But once again the princess cried and couldn't comprehend the emotions of this world, so she gave her heart to a migrating bird who flew across the world with it. Horrified, the princess slipped into a trance like sleep and couldn't wake. The prince, out of love for her journeyed many years but eventually found her heart again. On returning, the princess still wouldn't wake. even when he returned her heart to her body, she was still as stone. exausted and tear filled, the prince Gave up.
He couldn't feel anything.
Not the love her once saw in her, but nothing.
Mile after mile,
empty empty empty.
She awoke at last but looking at the prince discovered Him a changed man. With her heart returned, she finally had time top discover that this feeling was love and was actually quite ordinary in this world. But now she had no prince and wished for him like the air she breathed. She lived unhappily for a while In her tower once more. But now she discovered how cold it was. How brutally freezing ice is, and how she longed for the warm arms of her prince. so she herself set out on a long journey, Looking for the prince's lost love. Many Years she searched, under ever crack and crevice. She parted the clouds, searched every rain drop and every grain of sand. But alas she could not find it. The princess cried salty tears, and cupping them in her hands noticed something odd. each tear glowed, warm and friendly. And she felt something... Love. The prince had left his love in her, where she could keep it forever from harm. Joyfully, she returned home and kissed the prince, reuniting him once again with his love.
And then, they lived happily ever after.


do you ever think about breathing? Just hot air, in....out... how simple and peaceful the process is. How easy it is, how we would die if we couldn't? And then, all the unnecessary things we do that give us a reason to live, not just a way to. I breathe. I sing. I am. I live, in this cluttered and busy world. My thoughts are sometimes swallowed up by it, I admit. Sometimes I want to just STOP. take out my remote control, pause it and think. It goes so fast, so blurred. you don't have time to catch it. in ancient Rome they believed time was a string, and each person had a string that the fates would cut when it was time for your life to end. But frankly, how this can be as simple as a string I am mystified. More like a web, an endless web vast and bigger then the earth.poor fates, so busy they must be searching for the right string to cut. How do we know they don't make mistakes? Maybe they do. Does it ever shock you, how you are breathing the same air that thousands of years worth of others breathed before you? It's all been done. It's ALL been done. So why are we still here? What is our purpose? To breathe? Take a breather. Soft, hot air. In, out....

Thursday, August 14, 2008

You can love some one and not have them love you back

"You can love some one and not have them love you back"
12 words that some up whats wrong with the world. I was browsing the web when I saw this statement in response to someone's yahoo answers question, and I just about stopped breathing. How sadly, sadly true it is. It makes you want to scream in that there is no changing this. You can love someone so much, more then the world itself. You can tear yourself apart, every day thinking about them. you can loose sleep wishing, desperately wishing they knew. You can cry yourself dry. But It wont change a damn thing. Because, you can love some one and not have them love you back. Or, you can both love each other, and no one ever says anything. You can both feel it, beautiful and pure. Love. But be so silent about it, the other mistakes it for hate. When you love someone you need to be assured, every moment that the other person loves you in order to be truly happy. But If that doesn't happen, you fall apart. Like pieces of a puzzle, You cannot seem to bring yourself back together unless the loved one takes the time to find every matching piece. It's so frustrating, how painful it is. And how many times it's happened. To so many different people.

Thursday, July 17, 2008


wrote this a while ago and am quite happy of how it turned out. However Cain was right, It should be sung by a guy. I'm not happy with how it sounds on my voice (positively dreadful)

And I walk by… and the same face greets me.
Every time.
Every time. I'm sick of wishing, I hadn't left.
Sick of wishing, I hadn't broken our promise.

I feel like I've fallen off the earth
And now I'm crawling to rebirth
Empty as nothing with no one to hold,
Is someone who's wishing life wasn't
So damn cold.

And I see you again, same old you.
Same old me. But you and me isn't you and me,
Like we used to be. Its just a boy. Just a girl
Just a wish. Just a world.

I feel like I've fallen off the earth,
and now I'm crawling to rebirth.
Empty as Nothing with no one to hold,
Is turning a blind eye, to everything that's real.
Someone who's wishing, I could just feel.

You are the you are the morning, We were the day,
I was the nighttime, that threw it away. That ended
Us quickly, tore it apart. Feeling this empty hole,
That used to be a heart.

I feel like I've fallen, off the earth,
And now I'm crawling to my rebirth.
Empty as nothing, with no one to hold.

Dark like forever, eternity of this.
Blinding my ears, learning to try. Tying my mouth.
And hoping to fly, letting go, feeling bliss.
Undergo, another twist. This is just nothing,
I am just this. So let forever be, forever of regret, nothing
To hide. Losing the sunshine, falling behind. I am regret,
And I am eternity. I am forever, and I am bliss. I am nothing,
But sunshine at night. I am nothing, without you holding me tight.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

poem for vlad

Poem for Vlad

a shoulder to cry on,
a smile to share.
Someone to rely on,
who will always be there.

Shares my secrets,
never lets me feel down,
Never regrets, who she is inside.
Never lets my smile turn to a frown.

We are laughter and a smile for the camera.
Together were crazy, an unstoppable force.
we don't care what they think. thats life,
of course.

Knows me through and through,
And never lets me see the rain
Helps in all I do,
shes my best friend, through all the joy and pain.

Sunday, July 6, 2008


I am re-writing this, because right now it kind of feels like brain overload. But, heres my first draft.

So many emotions, creeping in. Picking and choosing which to feel. Heat mixing with exhaustion and excitement. walking down aisle after aisle of artwork, (Ok, so maybe the baby head on the busty goth lady's body and the melted dear face is not really art, but the rest was stunning.) I love the smell of it, most of all. Like weekends, and fun. Like summer. Most of the time however, I watched the people. It's so interesting, what is going through all their heads. Mothers with newborn babies, how beautiful it is just to see the love on their faces. How they look upon their children, not seeing all the art around them because the most beautiful artwork is in their own arms.
Later, we entered a toy store named "Kazoo" It was brilliant. The entire top story was stuffed animals, and downstairs was filled with hundreds of toys. walking around, I longed to turn back to childhood and run around through the toy store. It made me so happy, In a weird way. I don't know. Toys just always make me happy. I think thats because most children I see are happy, Happy with life and how new it all is. Happy to experience it all with new eyes, not yet tainted with the horrors of the world. I love that. I wish That was how we all felt, all the time. So full of life and energy.
When we left the store, It was raining. Just lightly, nothing bad. the kind of rain that appears here and taunts us day after day but never really rains. People ran trying to take cover from it, covering artwork in a mad rush. Inside we all went as well, in a small dark restaurant to cool off from the summer heat but stay dry. After eating, we returned to the art fair. Overheated, I began feeling very lightheaded and was near fainting. literally, no exaggeration. All the sights and sounds were too much for me, And I began to get that feeling you have while dreaming. Not really a part of it, sort of unreal and detached. I walked along, Being dragged by the continuous need to see more, more. Most of it passed in a blur, where I wasn't there at all. Maybe my mind was asleep but my body stayed awake. just so I could see all the beautiful things, and still have memory for it? who knows. But after I got some food In my system, I felt ok.
Then I found myself in my car, Going home. After such a long day, it passed so quick. Obviously I am home now and writing this from my computer room, but I still feel like I'm there.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Stuck in a room

stuck in a room where no light shines
all i see is darkness, faint ghostly outlines.
I see you sometimes, maybe just your eyes.
But mostly Its just the sound of cold, cruel lies.
I feel no warmth around me,
No words of comfort in this place.
just an outline of what once was your face.
True, the world changes in many degrees.
like the endless, Vast seas.
But how could you be so right, and so wrong so fast?
all that is gone, long since past.
Still I'm hear, in this darkened room. Trapped, unfeeling...
So many memories to forget, But remembering seems so easy.
Green as grass, so grey are my skies.
So easy now, remembering your lies?
So go away and leave me here. forevermore alone.
Its much bleaker here, remembering your face.
so I close my eyes, and forget.
Yes, forget.

this was purely something that popped in my head. When something comes to me, It goes down on paper. I know its a little different, but hey I'm not gonna argue with calliope.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Roller Coasters

Wrote this Last October.

Its funny how you are waiting for something for a month or more, halloween, birthdays, christmas. And then when its over, such a short day, you think, wow. its finally happened. its over. and then you have to wait an entire year for it to come again. so what makes it so exiting? (at least for me) is it the anticipation itself we crave? is it not really about the holiday, but the days spent looking forward to it and planning? or am i just a freak who likes dressing up and getting free candy from strangers, when theres actually probably a high chance of getting food poisoning or anthrax? i dont know. Its the same feeling of a roller coaster. waiting in the line for 30 minutes, just thinking about how fun its going to be when you actually get on it, and then when your the very nearest to the front, thinking, its here! its finally here, than, in one split second, you are boarded on and you finally get to go on the 2 minute ride you waited a half an hour for. did you actually ride it for the roller coaster? or did you just ride it to say you did, or did you just subconsciously like the line? (and of coarse, theres always the option of ive eaten to much candy and am probably blabbing about god knows what) its the same thing with all the musicals and plays im in. you spend hour after hour, cramming the same song down your throat untill you think your head is going to burst if you ever here it again, than bam. after a few times of performing it, its gone. over. never again, will you sing it with the force of the entire cast, it will always be you, and those few of your friends, remembering when you were all doing this together. . that when you think 'geez. i miss this. all of us, when we didn't have to be broken up by our stupid disagreements, when we could all be friends and not matter what click to get into' Ok, now I'm on a completely different subject, but bare with me.
Seriously. why does the passage of time have to make us better or worse friends? why is it that, a month, a week, a year, and a friendship is gone as if it never existed? why cant people laugh as if no time had passed. why cant time make friendship stronger, not weaker. sometimes it does. but remember, when you first meat someone, and your trying to be as nice as possible, so you don't lose them before you become to close to ever lose, but then, when there one of your best friends, you feel it dosnt matter what you say or act around them, how what ever you do, you cant lose them, because there to close to lose, well, you can. in a blink of an eye, a friendship can be gone, withered and broken. well, im getting very ranty here, so i will say goodbye.

Friday, May 30, 2008

My wonderland

When I moved to Colorado, nearly two years ago now, I discovered something amazing: The closest to heaven It is humanly possible to be. Waking up to the site of mountains is probably the most stunning thing In all the world. When the clouds aren't in the sky, but rather in your back yard. when talking to the wind seems a
regular habit, Because it is such an alive force here.
Fall is captivating, With aspen turning golden and maples showing off their red coats. Halloweens running through the pumpkin patch, where the dryness of an almost desert land brings out every little smell. From the apple butter and cider being sold, to the pines who never loose their leaves.
snow comes and goes, nearly all year. And though I will often complain about the cold and wet, the first snow Is an amazing thing. Like winter faeries coming to the earth, they whirl around in snow flake dresses bringing with them the mad buzz of hot chocolate, peppermint bark, And christmas carols coming from every car radio in the town.
But in all four seasons, none are as beautiful as spring. When snow only comes in fazes, And the smell of flowers is everywhere. Birds chirp, awakening from a cold winter. fresh water is finally running, and you can practically taste the pollen. Everything is awakening, and this is where I've decided My home is the closest to heaven: after being faced with the dead of winter, It is reborn into spring. Reborn into a new world, light and beautiful.


Ringing through me like my whole world is shaking, beautiful waves running through my fingers going up.. up.. Ringing out through my mouth. I release the sound and let it flow onward. Out into the world, My creation lingers only a few seconds then softly, falls back down into oblivion. Letting go, Only to be reborn again with the next Push of those white and Black keys. We are one being, me and the music. I let it become me, and i become it. Nothing matters. Nothing while I am this other person, this new and stunning person who is one with this sound. This Is who I am, and who I want to be. I am so beautiful, we all are so beautiful when covered in these shimmering notes, gliding through the air. Harmonies... Yes, harmonies. That is what I'm trying to create.

Sunday, May 25, 2008


I ran today... I could finally feel the wind through my hair. Every breath I took, The blood flowing through my veins. The smell of the wet earth. The caw of the crows. The feel of the sunshine. The encouraging smile of the clouds. That is all I could feel. I was aware of everything, but not aware of the real world. The sounds of people laughing behind me all died, died away. Carried away by the wind. The looks people always give me like ’shes flipped her lid again’ went away. I couldn’t think of that. couldn’t think what other people thought. But I was aware of a different sort of everything. The everything that we don’t normally notice. I came less then three feet from a flock of crows, They were singing. It was so beautiful yet so ugly. I wish I was one of them, So I wouldn’t always fly alone. so that no matter what happened, my flock was always behind me. They were there though, it seemed they followed me all day. When I was walking home from the bus stop, they were There. Watching. Singing. flying. and the weirdest part was, they were right next to a group of dear. it was like they were talking to each other. Dear, Crow, Dear, Crow...... How gorgeous it was! How I longed, more then ever to take part in it. To run, and relish in it. and watch as my running took flight. To see my blond hair transform to feathers, Every shade of midnight... To fly, black as night, against the sunshine. To be free. When I ran today, I felt really free. Like I was in charge. Like any direction I went, I went. I was there. I wasn’t just... there. Just walking through life, smiling In my dumb haze. Feeling nothing, regretting everything. No. Not that feeling. I wasn’t forced into the walls of that dumb pointless blindness, But I was A bird. And A bird I will stay. I can still feel the adrenaline coursing through me. And until this feeling stops, I am a bird.

Friday, May 23, 2008


I was sitting there, swinging on the rusty metal swings in the park, listening to the wind. I closed my eyes and I could feel it. not just the wind blowing past me, but I could here it speaking. There were voices. There were words, Whispering to me. I could feel it. I still had my eyes closed, because It is the only way I can truly hear it. it is the only thing I concentrate on. Just the wind, Fast fast wind. If you know anything about me, you know that I sing more then I talk. But I didn't want to sing. My voice just didn't fit. Didn't sound right with it. I could hear The cars passing, and the water flowing in the creak. I could hear it, and suddenly it was a song. The wind was whispering the lyrics to me quietly, while the cars were taking the percussion, a gentle swoosh!.every once and a while. The water was the woodwinds, Sweet and delicate, Almost lost but somehow still commanding the melody. It was so beautiful. I was sitting there, swinging and smiling In my own little blissful state, while the dog walkers lurking in the back of the park were attempting not to stare at me. I must have looked something awful, laughing to myself, swinging with my eyes closed. But I don't care. that is who I am. And then, The wind stopped. Just as it stopped, I knew I had to. I pushed my feet into the rocks and slowed my swing. Then I lept off and walked quickly as I could to the side of the water and sat down on the edge of the bank. I was watching as the water hit the rocks, and ricocheted in the other direction. Going everywhere. The water Is so free, yet trapped. why is it that it is always moving together? It is so funny. How planned it is. But it looks so free! I want to go back now, to pick up water in my hands, and throw it in the grass. But then again, that would not be the water moving itself, that would be me moving it. That would be me, deciding it was time for it to break off. It was so calming to watch all the rocks, being softly pushed over by the water. Year after year, ground being eroded and eroded by the water. how will this look in a million years? Will the water wash away the mountains? will the not stand so tall? Will they just... fall?
Once the wind picked up again, I knew it was time to go home. It carried me home, until I came upon a beach ball. Yes, you heard me right, a beach ball. just lying on the side of the road. So if anyone is reading this who is missing a beach ball, sorry If I accidentally stole yours. I mean, It was all alone sitting there on the side of the road and no one was around to claim it, so I decided to take it home with me. I felt bad for it. and anyway, it is sitting here right now next to me.